Primarily Terrible

Here's the latest from Bad Max 2: The Legend of Curly's Gold, aka the Republican Primary...

Frontrunner (whuzzat?!) Newt Gingrich was preempted by chanting Occupy Wall Street protesters at a campaign event at the University of Iowa. Smooth as always, and definitely showing his firm grip on the pulse of the nation, Gingrich shouted over them: "I appreciate the 95% of you, maybe even the 99% of you, who will actually have an intelligent discussion and are not going to be drowned out by the 1% who try to impose their will by making noise." LOL! GOOD ONE!

Former frontfunner (sad trombone) Mitt Romney, last seen attacking Gingrich on the basis of his "zaniness," has stepped up his scathing attack strategy by pointing out that Gingrich is "a wealthy man, a very wealthy man." Ooh BURN! It's true what they say: No one can identify a wealthy man, a very wealthy man, like a trust-fund kid who grew up to make millions running a private equity investment firm. You've got him on the ropes now, Moneybags!

Rick Perry is still definitely in the race! He has not dropped out yet.

Ron Paul has gotten the coveted Andrew Sullivan endorsement. It's no Gary Busey, but it's pretty good. It must have been hard for a guy who loves racism and sexism SO MUCH to limit himself to one candidate in the GOP field, so it's really a strong message to racists and sexists that Sully went with Ron Paul. Take heed, bigots!

Michele Bachmann is accusing Newt Gingrich of buying Tea Party support: She's "been hearing this all across the country, that money is changing hands. And that's not how I do business. In fact, I've told people, I've told evangelicals, I've told Tea Partiers—I don't pay people to come out and be my supporters, that's not what I do. When we have tea party groups and all of the rest, I don't do that because I'm just a real person." Oh, Newt Gingrich is a real person, too. A VERY RICH person! Who can buy Tea Party Support! Just ask Mitt Romney.

Jon Huntsman is gaining momentum in New Hampshire. Not a lot—just enough to beat Ron Paul. But enough to sustain an egomaniac's belief that he can definitely for sure totally win this thing!

Rick Santorum said something stupid and homophobic. In other news, today is Thursday.

Bonus Fun! Dynamic television personality and former GOP primary failosaur Mike Huckabee hosted an anti-abortion forum in Iowa for the candidates who bothered to show up (Gingrich, Bachmann, Santorum, and Perry, who is still definitely in the race). Each of the candidates had the opportunity to deliver "seven-minute speeches on their anti-abortion agendas" before the premiere of Huckabee's new anti-abortion documentary, The Gift of Life. That sounds like a GREAT event! SO FUN. Good job on being awesome, Republicans!

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

Quote of the Day

"Zany is not what we need in a president. Zany is great in a campaign. It's great on talk radio. It's great in the print; it makes for fun reading. But in terms of a president, we need a leader, and a leader needs to be someone who can bring Americans together."—GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney, on his "zany" opponent, Newt Gingrich.

How the fuck boring are you if you think Newt Gingrich is "zany"? This is not helping your image as a total snoozefest, Mr. Romney.

Protip: If you don't want pundits incessantly talking about your habitual flip-floppery, make sure it isn't the most interesting thing about you.

Especially because "inconsistency in his voting record" is literally so uninteresting I fell asleep seven times just typing out the phrase.

Primarily Awful

Here's the latest from the BAD MAX: BEYOND BLUNDERDOME! aka the Republican Primary...

Frontrunner (gag reflex) Newt Gingrich has shit-canned his brand new Iowa political director after dude made disparaging remarks about Mormonism being a cult. Gingrich's Iowa game does not have the moves like Jagger, so this is yet another setback in a key primary state. Whooooooooooops!

Erstwhile frontrunner (sad clown) Mitt Romney meanwhile put on his Rootin'-Tootin' Fisticuffing Britches and called Gingrich an "extremely unreliable leader in the conservative world." Oh HELL no! You kiss your mother with that mouth, Willard?! Ha ha just kidding. That is a very weak criticism. In fact, I'm pretty sure at least 72% of conservatives consider "extremely unreliable" a desirable attribute in a president. See: 2000-2008.

In other Romney-related news, focus groups keep finding that evangelicals don't like Romney (which is definitely not because he's Mormon, ha ha, no way!), but he just won the coveted Christine O'Donnell endorsement, and she's like Queen Evangelica of the Christlands, so EVERYTHING IS SO CONFUSING! Aren't "the evangelicals" a monolithic hivemind like the media keeps telling me?! Next thing you know, women will start voting for different candidates.

In New Hampshire, Ron Paul makes a strong argument for bootstraps: "If we didn't have bailouts, dependency on government, welfare for the rich, food stamps for the poor [people would live within their means]." Fun Fact: Within some circles, Ron Paul is known as "Mr. Cool Logic."

Michele Bachmann calls her opponents "milquetoast" candidates: "I must raise every available dollar between now and January 3rd to ensure our hard-charging constitutional conservative campaign—not some milquetoast opponents like Mitt Romney, Rick Perry, and Newt Gingrich—wins over these undecided Iowa voters." I guess everything looks like milquetoast when you're a rightwing extremist.

In case you weren't aware, Rick Santorum is very religious. His "presidential ambition is rooted in his faith," and his faith is, in fact, "the key ingredient that also powers Santorum's long-shot drive for the 2012 Republican presidential nomination." That is a very nice way of saying it would take a miracle for Santorum to become the GOP nominee. Poor Rick Santorum. It's gotta hurt to be such a resoundingly terrible candidate that, even in a campaign in which every dingaling who throws hir hat in the general vicinity of the ring becomes Conservatives' New Favorite Person of the Day, even the most desperate primary electorate since the last election (McCain-Palin 4ever!) diligently endeavors to pretend you don't exist in the futile hope you will just quietly go away. Aww.

Jon Huntsman predicts he'll "catch on after silly season," because he's a serious candidate. "I don't sign those silly pledges. I don't pander. I don't light my hair on fire. There's just some things I won't do." Like, for example, be invited to the next debate, because his poll numbers are in the toilet. The toilet at the bottom of the Grand Canyon. (Great joke!)

Rick Perry is still definitely in the race! He has not dropped out yet.

Discuss.

Primarily Gross

Here's the latest from the epic parade of failosaurs competing to be THE BIGGEST DIRTBAG OF THEM ALL! aka the Republican Primary...

Frontrunner (barrrrrrrf) Newt Gingrich has been offered a million dollars by odious conservative radio host Michael Savage to drop out of the race. Ha ha Michael Savage you are being an even bigger fuckbrain than usual! Newt Gingrich farts in the general direction of your million dollars. That will barely even cover his tab at Tiffany's!

Former frontrunner (whoooooooops!) Mitt Romney wants to "turn around America and keep America American with the principals [sic] that made us the greatest nation on Earth." It's hard to believe he's not running away with this race with stirring, well-crafted, and totes not at all embarrassingly juvenile rhetoric like that!

Rick Santorum is counting on Iowa. Did you hear that, Iowa? Rick Santorum is counting on you to turn him from a national joke into a national candidate. TALL ORDERS! I hope you are up to the task.

Jon Huntsman is not running as an independent! "I'm not running as an independent. I'm not running as an independent. I don't know how many times I have to say that." A million! By the way, you're definitely not running as the Republican nominee, either.

Rick Perry is still definitely in the race! He has not dropped out yet.

Are you interested in meeting the man behind Ron Paul's awesome campaign ads from 1989? Sure you are! Who wouldn't be? No one, that's who! So thank goodness that the Washington Post has profiled this very interesting gentleman! "I wouldn’t consider myself a member of his army." "I don't get into campaign strategy." Ha ha GREAT STUFF. A real dynamo, this guy.

Michele Bachmann has strengths and weaknesses, and in the Venn diagram of those two things, "her certainty" lies in the intersection. So says the WaPo. Is it evident that I have lost all interest in Michele Bachmann? I have lost all interest in Michele Bachmann. And this primary.

Wake me when the Republicans have nominated one of these garbage nightmares, so I can repeat ad infinitum that whoever it is should never be president.

Debate-a-Thon 2012

So the Republicans had yet another debate this weekend, this time in Iowa, and, with Herman Cain having bid his presidential aspirations adieu (or something less Frenchy and traitorous), and Jon Huntsman off fucking around in New Hampshire because his poll numbers were too low to qualify him for participation in the debate (whoops!), there were a modest six participants in the ABC News debate on the campus of Drake University in Des Moines: Rick Santorum, Rick Perry, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Ron Paul, and Michele Bachmann.

I'm sure there's a transcript somewhere, but who cares, amirite? Taxes, Reagan, illegals, Jesus, bootstraps, taxes, Obama stinks. Even if the Republicans' rap weren't already as predictable as my response to a Jay Leno monologue (boom!), I think we'd all sufficiently have gotten the picture after fully 500 debates during this interminable primary.

Anyway! There was one vaguely notable incident during the debate: Mitt Romney challenged Rick Perry to a $10,000 bet (like normal people do all the time) over Perry's contention that Romney's position on healthcare mandates has flip-flopped. (It has.)

Naturally, people took notice of Romney's proposed wager, not just because he is wrongity-wrong, but also because it's maybe not the smartest idea he's ever had to flippantly bet 20% of the median US household annual income as if it's pocket change, while the country is in a virtual depression.

But Mitt Romney is nothing if not a deeply awkward campaigner whose unexamined multi-layered privilege makes him so cringe-inducingly clueless that he can make exponentially worse even the most minor controversy surrounding his extreme wealth. So, in New Hampshire the following day, Romney recalled how "his experience as a Mormon missionary in France had given him an appreciation for the privileges of his upbringing."

Living on no more than $110 a month in France – which Romney said was the equivalent of $500 or $600 in today's dollars – the former Massachusetts governor said he learned to live simply when he left for France in 1966 at the age of 19, stretching those dollars to cover food, clothing and rent over two and a half years in France. He lived in a series of apartments with little or no plumbing or amenities like refrigeration.

"You're not living high on the hog at that level," he said. "A number of the apartments that I lived in when I was there didn't have toilets – we had instead the little pads on the ground – OK, you know how that works, pull – there was a chain behind you with kind of a bucket, bucket affair. I had not experienced one of those in the United States."

Romney said he and his fellow missionaries showered once a week at a facility where you could pay a few francs to bathe – "Or if we were got lucky, we actually bought a hose and would hold it there on the sink … and wash ourselves that way."

"I lived in a way that people of lower middle income in France lived and I said to myself, 'Wow. I sure am lucky to be born in the United States of America,' " Romney said, adding that he began to appreciate "the freedoms and the gifts that come by virtue of having been in this country."

Okay, first of all, if you want to be president of the United States of America, you should probably indicate some awareness that there are still lots of the people in the United States of America who are living in extreme poverty.

Secondly, it's gross to talk about living simply while doing voluntary missionary work in Europe as if that was experiencing real poverty. Real poverty is like walking a tightrope ten stories up with no safety gear; Romney might have spent a minute on a highwire, but he had the secure safety net of his parents' multimillion dollar fortune stretched beneath his feet the whole time.

I believe the great social commentator Jarvis Cocker said it best: "Rent a flat above a shop / Cut your hair and get a job / Smoke some fags and play some pool / Pretend you never went to school / But still you'll never get it right / 'Cuz when you're laid in bed at night / Watching roaches climb the wall / If you call your dad he could stop it all, yeah / You'll never live like common people / You'll never do whatever common people do / Never fail like common people / You'll ever watch your life slide out of view / And then dance and drink and screw / Because there's nothing else to do."


I can't wait to hear Raconteur Romney tell us about the time he got a profound understanding of homelessness by going camping.

Primarily Annoying

According to the latest CNN/TIME/ORC poll, if the Republican presidential primary were held today, 48% of the registered Republicans likely to vote in the Florida primary would support Newt Gingrich. The next closest contender is Mitt Romney, with only 25%. Yikes.

Gingrich also leads Romney in Iowa (33% to 20%) and in South Carolina (43% to 20%), while Romney leads Gingrich in New Hampshire (35% to 26%).

No candidate gets more than 50% support anywhere. In fact, the only response that gets more than 50% anywhere is "might change mind." Oof.

Which makes Gallup's latest poll findings thoroughly unsurprising: Republicans Less Enthusiastic About Voting in 2012. "Republicans' enthusiasm about voting in the election for president next year has decreased, with 49% of Republicans and independents who lean Republican now saying they are more enthusiastic than usual about voting, down from 58% in September. This narrows the gap between them and Democrats, 44% of whom are more enthusiastic than usual, essentially the same as in September."

The lack of enthusiasm isn't difficult to understand when frontrunner Mitt Romney is asked to comment on the Eurozone crisis and says shit like this: "Europe is capable of solving Europe's problems. I actually think that—I mean, I'm not an economist by training, but what limited understanding of the economy I have suggests it's very difficult to cobble together Greece, Ireland, Italy and Germany with the same monetary policy and highly disparate fiscal policies. I don't know how they hold it together." (Emphasis mine.)

Definitely the guy you want to elect in the middle of an economic crisis is the one who says he's got a "limited understanding of the economy," for sure.

At least we know it's a "limited understanding of the economy" that's behind Romney's also saying shit like this:

[President Obama] seeks to replace our merit-based society with an entitlement society. In an entitlement society, everyone receives the same or similar rewards, regardless of education, effort and willingness to take risk. That which is earned by some is redistributed to the others. And the only people to enjoy truly disproportionate rewards are the people who do the redistributing — the government.

Entitlement societies are praised in academic circles, far removed from the reality of a competitive world. Opportunity is replaced by the certainty that everyone in an entitlement society will enjoy nearly the same rewards. But there is another certainty: They will be poor.

In an entitlement society, the invigorating pursuit of happiness is replaced by the deadening reality that there is no prospect of a better tomorrow.

Whooooooooooooooooops that is not even close to reality, sir.

In a sign of how dire this Republican primary really is, Rep. Ron Paul is picking up steam and now finds himself in third place behind the lawbreaking Gingrich and the flip-flopping Romney.

"Welp, we've tried Trump, Bachmann, Perry, Cain, Romney, and Gingrich, and they all stink, so maybe we should give this Paul fella a look." Zoinks.

Why do I have the sneaking suspicion that Sarah Palin is watching all this from the sidelines and contemplating the possibility that, if she waits long enough, then reverses her decision and throws in her hat after all, she'll get the nomination sheerly on the basis of Republican primary voters' desperation for someone else please Jesus someone anyone else...?

Primarily Stupid

A look at what's going on with those rascally Republican rapscallions this morning...

In feminist news (lulz), Rep. Michele Bachmann has received the endorsement of arch conservative Phyllis Schlafly. How fun! An anti-feminist lady endorsing an anti-feminist lady—and womanhood, nor the particular attributes that being a strong woman in a misogynist culture both demands and reinforces, definitely has nothing to do with it FOR SURE, because that would be feminism, which is obviously garbage.

Speaking of strong ladies, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi knows Newt: "One of these days we'll have a conversation about Newt Gingrich. I know a lot about him. I served on the investigative committee that investigated him, four of us locked in a room in an undisclosed location for a year. A thousand pages of his stuff." I believe the technical term for that is "oppo-research-a-go-go."

Obviously, conservatives don't give a fuck if Newt Gingrich snorted payola off an organic goat's tenderloin, but GOP elites have to be nervous about whether independent voters will be so sanguine about Candidate Gingrich's unsavory past. And present. And certain future.

On that "we'll take Newt, whatever" note, as Gingrich emerges as the clear frontrunner in Iowa, Gallup finds that "Republicans See Gingrich, Romney as 'Acceptable' Nominees." And they are the only two candidates deemed acceptable by more than 50% of respondents. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Curb the enthusiasm there, Republicans!

Speaking of Mitt Romney: Did you know he's a flip-flopper? It's true! I know, I was shocked. And not only does he lack integrity, it turns out he's shady and dishonest, not to mention unethical, as well. What an absolute surprise! I had no idea. Ha ha just kidding. I had ALL the ideas.

The leftovers: Gingrich asks Trump to create 'apprentice' program for poor schoolchildren. Of course he does. And Paul Krugman on the current state of American politics.

Primarily Gross

It's been so long since there was a Democratic incumbent in the White House that I forgot how completely goddamn boring primary season is when it's just a bunch of Republicans running around trying to out-stupid each other. Despite their desperate bid for my attention with no fewer than twelve thousand debates since June, I haven't managed to muster much energy or enthusiasm for their traveling sideshow, but I guess it's about time to discuss the epic garbage nightmare that is the potential candidacy of one of the reprobates from the field of failosaurs regurgitated from the bowels of the Republican establishment this year.

So here's the latest news: Herman Cain has suspended his campaign, while promising to "not go away." (It's okay; you can just go away. Really.) He will reportedly endorse Newt Gingrich today, who is now leading the polls among primary voters in Iowa. (He can also go away. And take Mitt Romney with him.)

It's coming down to Mitt vs. Newt. Either one would be colossally horrendo as president, and I don't imagine that one would be more of a danger to Obama in the general campaign than the other. They've both got their campaigning strengths and weaknesses, and neither one would be measurably stronger or weaker in debates: Newt Gingrich is a more confident debater, but Mitt Romney is less likely to say things like, "We should hire poor children to work at the bootstrap factory."

President Obama's biggest threat remains his own record—and the haunting echo of his own voice promising hope and change.

And, as ever, the media will be a wild card: Paul Krugman observes, both amusingly and depressingly: "All indications are, however, that Campaign 2012 will make Campaign 2000 look like a model of truthfulness. And all indications are that the press won't know what to do—or, worse, that they will know what to do, which is act as stenographers and refuse to tell readers and listeners when candidates lie."

Can't wait!

It's Interesting...

...how much conservatives suddenly care about "flip-flopping" when it's a Mormon who's doing it.

Funny, that.

Quote of the Day

"He did say the words. That's his voice."—Tom Rath, senior adviser in New Hampshire to Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney, on the Romney campaign's bullshit ad that quotes President Obama out of context.

In the ad, which goes up Tuesday in New Hampshire, Mr. Obama is heard saying "if we keep talking about the economy, we're going to lose."

But when Mr. Obama made that statement, he was actually quoting an aide to John McCain, his 2008 rival for the presidency. "Senator McCain's campaign actually said, and I quote, if we keep talking about the economy, we're going to lose," Mr. Obama said.

And in their defense, all the Romney campaign's got is: "He did say the words. That's his voice."

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.

Ha Ha Good One

The Hill—Mitt Romney: 'I've been as consistent as human beings can be'.

Mitt Romney, under fire from all sides on the strength of his political convictions, said Thursday he has been as consistent as a person can be during his political career.

"I've been as consistent as human beings can be," Romney said in a meeting with the editorial board of New Hampshire's Seacoast Media Group. "I cannot state every single issue in exactly the same words every single time, and so there are some folks who, obviously, for various political and campaign purposes will try and find some change and try to draw great attention to something which looks like a change which in fact is entirely consistent."

LOL. What a card.

Number of the Day

$6.6 trillion: The cost of GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney's proposed economic plan. With interest, the cost grows to $7.8 trillion over the next 10 years. Wheeeeeeeeeee!

That would help SO MANY job creators create SO MANY jobs at the bootstrap factory!

Quote of the Day

"You can't be a perfectly lubricated weather vane on the important issues of the day."—Republican presidential candidate Jon Huntsman, on Mitt Romney's flip-floppery.

That is also, for the record, what she said.