Marketing Big Meat

Mother Jones recently ran an interesting exclusive: branding and packaging pages from a draft marketing plan fror Sara Lee about how they could reposition Hillshire Farm deli meats as a more sustainable and healthy option.

The scanned document looks like it was nicked from a recycling bin, but it's worth reading just for gems like this:

Give it up for pepper!

And this:

Good job, bees!

This off-the-cuff, conversational style is supposed to represent a new era of transparency and sustainability  in megameat.

Well, aspiring to transparency and sustainability anyway. And buying up small farms so that their newly-pluralized brand name actually means something.

It's good, though, that consumer pressure is forcing big processors into at least wanting to be seen as wholesome and small.

They also want to break into the food snob market by developing two new premium brands, "Smith & Smith" and "Flat Iron Ranch".

"Size of the prize"? I'm amazed that agency people can present that to a client with a straight face. But they also committed the following atrocities:

I am so ashamed of my industry right now.

Does this look into the marketing minds behind Big Meat surprise you? Disappoint you? Or just confirm what you already suspected.

This kind of rebranding, dressing factory-processed meat in a neighbourhood butcher's apron, is happening throughout the packaged meat sector.

But the big question is, how much marketing spin are you prepared to swallow?

And note to self: shred all draft marketing plans.

F'd Ad Fridays: There's no serial killing in baseball!

The Globe and Mail reports that this just-launched logo, for a minor league baseball team in London, Ontario, is not everyone's style of brand humour. London Mayor Joe Fontana says he has "serious concerns" about having his city's pro sports team named after a misogynistic serial killer, while Megan Walker, executive director of the London Abused Women's Centre, objected to the “very creepy-looking man” in the logo and the team's tagline, “Lurking in Labatt Park this spring.”

Me, I think this outrage is a bit of a stretch. The brand is tasteless, sure. But it's not like they named themselves after Robert Pickton. There's something to be said for the healing passage of time.

Stiffy's Vodka forced to change its name to something less penile

According to The Drum, a UK brand of flavoured booze Stiffy's Vodka has had to re-brand in response to a complaint by competitor Molson Coors Brewing Company that the drink’s name was “overtly sexual reference, or a comment about the alcoholic strength of the drink”. They made this complaint to The Portman Group, which is the self-regulating body for alcohol producers.

The report is kind of fun reading:

"In considering the complaint, the Panel noted that ‘stiffy’ was a common slang term for an erection and considered that the brand name therefore had strong sexual connotations.  The company, Stiffy’s Shots Ltd (trading as VC2) maintained that the brand name had been chosen because ‘Stiffy’ was the nickname of a person involved in the development of the drink; it had not been chosen for its sexual connotations.  The Panel acknowledged that while the company may not have deliberately set out to link the product with sexuality, the brand name alluded to sexual success and accordingly found the product in breach of the responsibility Code."

Molson-Coors also complained that the candy-themed flavours "Jaffa Cake" and "Kola Kubez" were aimed at minors, but that was not upheld. The company, in consultation with Portman Group’s Advisory Service, has agreed to change the brand name to "Stivy’s".

Me, I would have complained about false advertising. Because if there's anything that won't give you a stiffy, it's too many sweet teenybopper wobble pops.

And for the love of God, never do a Google Image Search for "Stiffy's"...

F'd Ad Fridays: Supersexy Swingin' Sixties Branding

The Polaroid Swinger was the first affordable instant camera, creating a whole world of opportunities for personal photography. It was also a huge enabler for amateur porn. As with the digital revolution decades later, it cut prying photo lab guys out of the picture.

How aware was Polaroid of what people were doing with its product behind closed doors?

Watch these ads and decide for yourself.





Happy Friday, everyone.

F'd Ad Fridays: NutLiquor was named that way on purpose

Never, ever, put a 12-year-old boy in charge of your brand.

Its site claims it tastes "like the center of a peanut butter cup, with no harsh aftertaste".

It's produced By Pandora Spirits L.L.C. in Temperance, Michigan USA. (Yes, "temperance")

Via Gawker

A modest proposal to rebrand Ohio's "Heart Beat Bill"

Jezebel shared this irritating ad from Ohio ProLife Action about the State's controversial Heart Beat Bill :



It's not just the low production values, awful script, and nasally voiceover that I find irksome. It's the missed opportunity.

If you want people to visualize a "busload of children" being killed every day the anti-abortion bill (which bans termination at about about 6 weeks from conception) is delayed, you need to do more than show a bunch of home movie shots. You need to move people.

After all, just getting people to see a 6-week-old human embryo as a child can be a bit of a stretch:

Especially since up to a third of conceptions miscarry—80% of them within the first 12 weeks. So even Mother Nature isn't onboard with your mission to "protect all innocent human life".

No, if we're going to get people to back this bill we need to give them something to get their hearts and fists pumping. Don't just show the busload of kids. Show them at the mercy of a psychopath bent on their destruction. And don't just promote a bill, give the thing some personality and have it kick psycho ass and literally save the day.

You know what I'm getting at here? This story has been told before. You know who else saved a whole busload of embryos — I mean, children — in a single day?

Dirty Goddamn Harry, that's who.

Here (new window) is how that PSA should have gone down.

You can call it the "Dirty Harry Bill". Or the "Do you feel a heartbeat, punk?" ... umm, Bill.

It's got everything the religious right likes:

• Clear-cut good and evil (okay, Harry's a racist and sexist who wants all criminals dead, but those are virtues in some circles).
• Guns. They love their guns.
• Awesome funky soundtrack. (Just tell them it's a new kind of "Baptist Gospel")
• Innocent victims.
• Clint. (Although he is no longer a Republican, he was then.)

I really think they should consider buying up this footage. Either that, or mitigate high abortion rates by providing youth with harm reduction based sex education and really easy access to contraceptives, as well as by addressing the fundamental socioeconomic problems behind unwanted pregnancy.

Nah, definitely Dirty Harry.

Tip via Jezebel.

An Open Letter to Hawkins Cheezies

Dear Mr. Hawkins

Today is Halloween, and I am giving out nothing but Cheezies.

This is not due to any obsession with your product. It is the best of its category, sure, but there are other reasons to give it out.

First of all, I am from Kingston. You are from Belleville. I now live in Ottawa. And your product gives me the opportunity to contribute to a regional family-owned business. My family and I buy local food as much as possible — Ontario wines, and local cheese, meat and produce. So the opportunity to make even our rare junk food purchases (sorry) locavorous is one we appreciate.

Second, I'm having more and more of a problem with chocolate these days. A child labour problem. So much of the cheap chocolate that will be given out tonight to excited children was illegally harvested by children their own age in Ghana and Ivory Coast. These kids are exposed to dangerous working conditions, climbing trees with machetes to harvest pods, and few of them go to school. Many are trafficked from neighbouring countries as slave labour. It's really sad.

That's why my wife and I have tried to move towards Fairtrade chocolate from another regional company, Camino. But that stuff is a little expensive for Halloween giveaways.

Your product, on the other hand, is very affordable. I just wish it had not been so hard to find. But I know how the companies of "Big Chips" dominate shelf space with money and pressure. My sharp-eyed son managed to find two 24-packs of 28g bags of Cheezies stuffed into a bottom shelf at the Halloween display in an Ottawa Wal-Mart. (We had to buy the rest in much more expensive 8-count bags from Metro.)

Part of my Hawkins horde.

I was surprised how few Hawkins Cheezies I could find in local retail. Everyone seems to agree that yours are the best. Humpty Dumpty's cheese things and Cheetos both have long and scary ingredients lists, compared to yours — including MSG. People like your crunch better, too, and the fact that the orange stuff is not quite so stainingly neon.

I would have expected that Halloween was the perfect time to mount a strong regional campaign, touting your provenance and your goodness, to encourage parents around Ontario to act as brand ambassadors to hand out Cheezies samples at their doors. But I saw nothing.

You have a good product, but I'm afraid that your marketing is a little old fashioned. Why can't I find this beloved Canadian brand on Facebook? Where would I hear your great story, if I had not bothered to Google you? You need help.

And it's not just the "promotional" P of marketing that you need to work on. While the product tastes great, I note that you are a hold-out for still using hydrogenated vegetable oil. While my son doesn't eat enough Cheezies to make the small amount of trans fats a health issue, your competitors have already made the switch to better oils. You need to do that, ASAP. The war on trans fats is not going away.

The other thing you could do is make sure your product fully lives up to its local, wholesome, made-in-Canada heritage. If you're using Canadian corn, you should proudly say so. People like that. And while I don't expect you to go organic, as a family-owned company you could become a very popular champion of smaller, family-owned farms that use non-GMO corn. This would also be a great thing to add to your story. Finally, using real aged cheddar is part of your Canadian charm. Is the cheese made regionally, or provincially? This could also be a great story to tell.

And then there's the peanut thing. Humpty Dumpty got their cheese sticks certified peanut free. I'm sure you could, too.

Your product will never be health food. But it is a "feel-good" food. Wouldn't it be great if you were able to out-maneuver your larger competition in Canada by being the cheese-flavoured snack with more to feel good about?

This is a conversation I'd like to have. So if you're in the neighbourhood tonight, please drop by for some Cheezies.

The return of the long-copy ad?

Oh, how I missed you. But is it any surprise that it is a agency self-promo? No, none at all. Copywriters can grow up to be Creative Directors too, don't you know.

Click to enlarge and read, if you have a spare half-hour...

I'm left cold by this one, though. It seems desperate. Plus, you're not supposed to talk about. Also, while it is a defence of branding as a creator of perceived value, it would also drive a smart consumer to generic products. Why not? They're all the same anyway. Why pay the agency?

From BBDO Brazil
Via Ads of The World

F'd Ad Fridays: Ayds helps you lose weight

You can tell they branded this long before the '80s.

Via Flikr

Truth in branding (and packaging) of cereal for kids

This is a guerrilla art installation by Ron English, who stocked the spoof cereal boxes in Venice Beach.

He calls it "subvertising".  Reminds me of Wacky Packages.

Via Animal NY

F'd Ad Fridays: Tobias Fünke just blue himself at Ben & Jerry's

Just a couple of weeks ago, One Million Moms (part of the American Family Association) was calling for a boycott of Ben & Jerry's for the corrupting influence of their new Schweddy Balls flavour.

But instead of indulging the testicle-obsessed moms with a retraction, B&J (bless their hearts!) are sticking it to them once again. In fact, they're upping the game.

NY Mag reveals the latest in-your-face flavour, above, which is released in honour of Arrested Development's return to TV. If you aren't familiar with the Tobias Fünke character (played by David Cross), he is an analyst/therapist ("Analrapist") who is obsessed with the Blue Man Group and contantly makes Freudian slips that reveal his presumed (but unrealized) homosexuality.

Trust me, this is hilarious. And I'm sure the AFA will think so too.

Epic brand failure at the Queen Elizabeth Hotel

Last week, while on a TV commercial shoot in Montreal, I stayed at at The Fairmont Queen Elizabeth. It's a famous hotel, that has hosted leaders and celebrities. Its most famous moment came in June 1969, when John Lennon and Yoko Ono recorded "Give Peace a Chance" in room 1742 during their honeymoon.

This is a brand that should have everything going for it. You walk into the lobby and it's all elegant and pretentious. Its web site makes it look luxurious. But expensive hotels somehow always seem to fail at the most essential elements of branding.

My room, going for almost $250 a night, was no better than a discount hotel — despite having three different kinds of marble in the bathroom.

And a gross wallpaper stain.

Branding is all about the smallest details of the brand experience. And Fairmont screwed it up by failing to splurge $12 on a new alarm clock.

How long has it been since you've seen a putty-tone digital clock like that? You could see its age on the discoloured plastic:

Can anyone interpret the date code?

The best part was, when I had to get up early the next day for the shoot (kind of a big deal) the damn thing didn't work. I had carefully set it, and it didn't go. Fortunately, pre-shoot anxiety usually wakes me early, and this was no exception.

I complained, and they offered to send up a new one. I opted for a wakeup call the next day.

And then came my hand "express checkout" receipt under the door.

That's right. They charged me twice for "daily" wifi on the same day.

I already have huge issues with higher end hotels charging for something that motels and discount inns give away (along with breakfast, etc.) But charging me twice?

I took it down to the front desk, and asked WTF? The rather surly concierge told me it was policy to charge per device. I had checked in on both an iPad and iPhone. I was on expenses, so I really just wanted confirmation that it was policy.

She took the charges off anyway, but right next to me my colleague was arguing with them about charging for parking. We had arrived (and were about to leave) by train.

As a business traveller, you (or rather, employer and/or client) pay big bucks not to have to deal with this shit.

Hospitality branding, whether you're an independent business inn or a grande dame hotel, is pretty easy to get right: You just put yourself in your guest's shoes, and make sure that every detail of their stay is up to the expectations your marketing and reputation have set. Make sure the alarm clock is not a grubby, non-functional hairband-era artifact. Make essential business services all-inclusive—or at least don't make them an excuse for annoying overcharging. And treat the guest like they're welcome.

Why is this so often screwed up? I'd love to hear your own similar experiences.

The view, however, was nice.

If You Want Brand Over-Extension (You've Got It)

Highway to Hell Cabernet Sauvignon, Hells Bells Sauvignon Blanc and You Shook Me All Night Long Muscat. Seriously?

Oh, God...

BBC reports that AC/DC is launching its own range of Australian wines, to be sold in Woolworths stores across the country starting Thursday.

It's been a long time since Bon Scott drank himself to death in the back of a car. In the 21st century, AC/DC is a brand as the aging rockers continue to perform heavily-merchandised world tours. So from a business perspective, the wines are just one more way to appeal to the band's base of settled-down baby boomers and gen-Xers. But is it just a touch too much?

The AC/DC brand won't be hurt, in the long run, because it has so much established power. But it's still disappointing to see such a cynical move into the middlebrow.

(Plus, where's the "Whole Lotta Rosé"?)