Primarily Gross

It's been so long since there was a Democratic incumbent in the White House that I forgot how completely goddamn boring primary season is when it's just a bunch of Republicans running around trying to out-stupid each other. Despite their desperate bid for my attention with no fewer than twelve thousand debates since June, I haven't managed to muster much energy or enthusiasm for their traveling sideshow, but I guess it's about time to discuss the epic garbage nightmare that is the potential candidacy of one of the reprobates from the field of failosaurs regurgitated from the bowels of the Republican establishment this year.

So here's the latest news: Herman Cain has suspended his campaign, while promising to "not go away." (It's okay; you can just go away. Really.) He will reportedly endorse Newt Gingrich today, who is now leading the polls among primary voters in Iowa. (He can also go away. And take Mitt Romney with him.)

It's coming down to Mitt vs. Newt. Either one would be colossally horrendo as president, and I don't imagine that one would be more of a danger to Obama in the general campaign than the other. They've both got their campaigning strengths and weaknesses, and neither one would be measurably stronger or weaker in debates: Newt Gingrich is a more confident debater, but Mitt Romney is less likely to say things like, "We should hire poor children to work at the bootstrap factory."

President Obama's biggest threat remains his own record—and the haunting echo of his own voice promising hope and change.

And, as ever, the media will be a wild card: Paul Krugman observes, both amusingly and depressingly: "All indications are, however, that Campaign 2012 will make Campaign 2000 look like a model of truthfulness. And all indications are that the press won't know what to do—or, worse, that they will know what to do, which is act as stenographers and refuse to tell readers and listeners when candidates lie."

Can't wait!

Good News!

Herman Cain, who was said to be reassessing his campaign after the news broke of his 13-year extramarital affair, has concluded that his campaign is DEFINITELY AWESOME and thus has put out a hot new campaign advert.

You know, I wasn't going to vote for him before, what with all the sexual harassment, cavernous void of personal ethics, comprehensive lack of competency, and general garbage ideology, but now that I see he's got the moxie to indirectly throw down a straw-gauntlet against imaginary presidents who hate America, I'm going to reassess my own campaign of resounding contempt.

Ha ha just kidding I'm for sure never voting for him or anyone in his stupid party of bootstrap-hollering dirtbags.

Anyway! To the video!

Herman Cain in voiceover, over patriotic music and images of a busy factory where the forklifts sport US flags: The engine of economic growth is the business sector. Now this is good. [images turn to a still factory, as the music segues to an ominously howling wind] This is bad. [cut to Cain onscreen, with "I Am America" music from previous ads] Our fifteen trillion dollar national debt is killing our children's future, and it's not going to get any better until we put an executive into the executive office. [more scenes of busy factory] I've spent a lifetime creating jobs, and, if you make me America's CEO, we the people will take this country back. We can do this. I'm Herman Cain. I'm running for president. I approve this message, and I will never apologize for the greatness of the United States of America.

I would just like to note that Herman Cain is one of the best candidates the Republican Party can find in a nation of 308 million people.

Quote of the Day

"We've got real issues to talk about, not the latest bimbo eruption. ... Every time another accusation comes up, it diminishes our ability to stay focused on the issues that really do matter for the American people."—Republican presidential candidate Jon Huntsman, attempting to smear Herman Cain as a distraction from a serious campaign, but succeeding instead in dismissing the women Cain sexually harassed and abused as "bimbos," categorizing sexual predation as something other than a "real issue" which "really does matter," and defining "the American people" and survivors of sexual harassment and abuse (and their allies) as mutually exclusive groups.

Wow, Jon Huntsman. Wow.

Quote of the Day

"The more toppings a man has on his pizza, I believe the more manly he is." — Herman Cain, the GOP's current frontrunner, on what makes a man a man and what makes a sissy a sissy (vegetables) in a new GQ Magazine profile.

Quote of the Day

[Trigger warning for misogyny.]

"Ew, gross! Who the hell does this ugly bitch think she's fooling?"—Contributor MP at the website of the Herman Cain PAC, referring to Karen Kraushaar, one of the women who received a settlement in the 1990s after alleging that Cain sexually harassed her.

Because of course "ugly bitches" can't be sexually harassed. Gee, where have I heard that before...?

Here is a screenshot, in case they ever have the decency to take it down and the indecency to do so without acknowledgment that it ever happened.

[H/T to Lauri Apple.]

Another Day, Another Allegation Against Cain

[Trigger warning for sexual assault/harassment; rape culture.]

As the stories to attempt to discredit Sharon Bialek start rolling off the presses (so to speak), a fifth woman has come forward accusing Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain of inappropriate behavior, asking her to set up a date for him with a woman in an audience before whom he was giving a speech.

Meanwhile, some conservatives are suggesting that the allegations against Cain are being orchestrated by the Obama administration. This does have the stink of oppo research all over it, but I hardly think it's the Obama administration who's feeding dug dirt on Cain to the press. Why would Obama want to undercut a frontrunner who could beat with one teleprompter tied behind his back? (Let it never be said that I never made a joke for rightwing readers.) No, this has Newt Gingrich's grubby little fingerprints all over it. Maybe Mitt Romney's.

In any case, Cain's finished.

Open Thread: New Cain Allegations

[Trigger warning for sexual violence.]

Sharon Bialek, the fourth woman to make allegations of sexual harassment against Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain just gave a press conference detailing the alleged event, and what she described is more accurately called sexual assault:

Bialek says Cain took her to the NRA offices — she thought they were going inside, but Cain reached under her skirt to grab her genitals and tried to force her head down to his crotch. She says she said: "What are you doing? That's not what I came here for." To which she alleges Cain responded "You want a job don't you?"

Bialek says she didn't file a complaint because she didn't work for the NRA.

"I am coming forward to give a face and a voice to those women who, for whatever reason, cannot come forward."

There's going to be a lot of victim-blaming and a lot of rape apologia in the media. That will not be allowed in this thread.

I've got no more commentary than I had previously: I believe these women, and I have no reason not to believe them. Neither does anyone else.

F'd Ad Fridays: The race card is now in play for Cain 2012

For what it's worth, I think"Lynching", is one of those words that probably shouldn't be used outside of its awful historical meaning. It's like comparing your opponent to Hitler. It diminishes the awfulness of a really big issue just to make a cheap point.

I also love the irony: "That's what liberals do... they can't talk about the issues so they hit below the belt."

Ummmm... okay.

Herman Cain ad parodied to sell e-smokes

Herman Cain's campaign manager, Mark Block, recently became an overnight internet celebrity for his bizarre delivery and cigarette flourish on a bizarre political ad.

There have been quite a few parodies since, but at least one advertiser has decided to try to make a marketing campaign out of it.



Smoke Stiks are "electronic cigarettes". They simulate the actions and (optional) nicotine fix of smoking (including creating the appearance of smoke). But they don't produce tar and all that other nasty stuff.



They do apparently, however, produce that freaky Cain smile...


Via Agency Spy

Sure

Herman Cain, during a National Press Club event earlier today, at which he was asked about sexual assault allegations and reported cash settlements therefore, breaks into the forgiveness hymn "He Looked Beyond My Faults."

And so since it's an opportunity for me to share a little bit of my faith, I will: Amazing Grace / Will always be / My song of praise / For it was grace / That brought me liberty / I'll never know / Why Jesus came / To love me so / He looked beyond / All my faults / And saw my needs. Thank you. [Cheers and applause.]

I haven't heard anything that beautiful since John Ashcroft let loose with "Let the Mighty Eagle Soar." Someone get these two magnificent songsters on a Conservative Croonerz 2012 National Tour—STAT!

During the same press event, Cain was also asked to comment on race relations in the US, and replied, "This many white people can't pretend that they like me." I can't decide if that's hilariously weird, or a genuinely insightful commentary on the state of the conservative electorate.

Well, maybe it doesn't have to be one or the other.

[Via Andy.]

An Observation

[Trigger warning for rape culture.]

I'm glad that the sexual harassment allegations against Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain are getting a lot of attention, especially because Republicans tend to get be held to a different (lower) standard than Democrats with a different (lesser) level of scrutiny, and sexual harassment is too important to be casually elided with the "boys will be boys" shrug of indifference it's so frequently given in politics.

But that gladness is cut through with a bolt of suspicion that the focus on Cain is not indicative of an awakened seriousness about sexual harassment, as much as it is evidence that Herman Cain is seen as a weirdo buffoon and sexual abuse of all sorts still the exclusive purview of weirdo buffoons.

That is, these allegations have been given an unusual level of credibility because Herman Cain seems like the sort of guy who might harass women, according to our awful cultural narratives about there being discernible sorts of guys who might harass women—not aggressive, entitled, privileged, powerful men (of which Herman Cain is also one), but weirdo buffoons.

Herman Cain is, of course, also a Black weirdo buffoon, and I imagine that has rather something unfortunate to do with the uncommonly fervent attention given to sexual harassment allegations against an unserious candidate, too.

[Note: This is not an argument that allegations against Cain should receive less scrutiny. If there is an argument being made, it is that allegations against other politicos should receive more.]

Herman Cain's Campaign is a Real Thing in the Real World

Herman Cain is making stuff on the interwebs. America, I give you the current Republican front-runner:



[Transcript Follows]

There's an opening sequence that suggests the projectionist is loading the YouTube video. A cowboy on a horse rides towards the camera to generic twangy music. On screen, we see that “THERE WAS A TIME IN AMERICA WHEN A MAN WAS A MAN... “ Then the video cuts to the sheriff taking some government-paid leave.

“AND A HORSE WAS A HORSE...” [Go to hell, postmodernist eurotrash!]

Then a deputy/government employee chugs whiskey. “AND A MAN ON A HORSE WAS JUST A MAN ON A HORSE...” We see that the cowboy is carrying yellow flowers, so that's probably a BFD. [This is just like Blazing Saddles, only if it had been directed by Andrew Breibart.]

A few taxpayers stroll by, disgusted by the lazy government workers.

“UNLESS HE CARRIED EXTRANEOUS COMMA BIG FONT FOR EMPHASIS YELLOW FLOWERS” [But not roses. And certainly not bread.]

Women scurry away from the cowboy, as he comments on their chicken. I think this is supposed to be sexy. Presumably there's some kind of joke here? I don't hang out in sports bars, so I don't really get the reference.

“Cock-a-doodle-do, Ma'am”

[Wow, this dude harasses women, but he's also a gentleman and holy non-sequitur what the hell is going on, we're forty-five seconds into this garbage already.]

“CTV [Isn't that Canadian?] PRESENTS: HE CARRIED YELLOW FLOWERS”

Cowboy ass shot.
Cowboy using rope shot.
Cowboy wearing moon boots while not really bow-legged shot.

The cowboy knocks on the door, because apparently having women scurry away from you is code for “Yes, please come into my cabin.”

The drunken sheriff mocks the man's gay looking flowers. Also, they are YELLOW flowers.

'Hey look at me, the Montana Territory is paying me to get pissed on my 3-hour lunch break!'

Daaaamn! One of the men accuses our hero of being “as yellow as those flowers there.”

Witty rejoinder: “Why does it always have to be about color, what are you guys, liberals?” [Did you notice one of the guys was black? Did you?!? He's such a reverse racist.]

The reverse-racist responds that he's a “card carrying” liberal [Hey, remember Dukakis?], and spits on our hero's moonboot.

A fight breaks out, and the opening chords of a Monkees song plays in the background for some reason.

In perhaps the video's most Brechtian moment, a Hollywood director in baggy pants yells cut, and everything stops.

A conventionally attractive young woman offers the cowboy a watermelon-mango margarita, because all actors are homos who sip fruity drinks like little girls. Because she's a lady, the dude gives her shit about wanting a straw. Then he threatens to fire her.

A woman praises the man and does his girly makeup, but he cuts the dumb bitch down to size.

As it turns out, the actor is Nick Searcy. [You know, the guy who played Tom Hanks's friend in Cast Away? No, not the volleyball.]

Nick Searcy levels with us. He's not a tough guy because he says catch phrases like “hope” and “change.” [Would those be catch words?] He also doesn't have a fancy teleprompter like those rich-ass community organizers, just fyi.

Then, over 140 seconds into this train wreck, Nick Searcy tells us about Herman Cain. He's a real thing in the real world. He urges us to “get real” and vote for Cain, as dudes beat each other up in the background.

Herman Cain and Nick Searcy are sexy, apparently. OMG IS THIS CAMPAIGN VIDEO HITTING ON ME?

Cowboy Searcy urges the public not to get distracted by trivial things this election season, all while joking with his Hollywood director. Then he gets so distracted while threatening a liberal that he forgets his line.

And then Herman Cain smirks at us for some reason. [Probably because he knows you aren't getting the last three-and-a-half minutes of your life back.]

As Cain fades out, Cowboy Searcy hits on a lady by yelling “nice chicken, honey!” Then he gives us a wink and a thumbs up as he goes into the cabin, presumably to have some sort of freaky Dadaist sex.

THE END

A weirdly intense political ad from the USA

Herman Cain is a Republican running for the 2012 United States presidential nomination. A Tea Party supporter, he has been criticized for promoting tax policies that favour corporations over working people, discriminatory statements against Muslims, and absolute views against reproductive choice and equal marriage. He has also made a point of distinguishing himself as ethnically different from President Barrack Obama:

In an interview with Bloomberg view, Cain argued that he is a 'black American' rather than an 'African American' on account of being able to trace his ancestors within the US, describing Barack Obama as "more of an international...look, he was raised in Kenya, his mother was white from Kansas and her family had an influence on him, it’s true, but his dad was Kenyan". Interviewer Jeffrey Goldberg pointed out that Obama had spent 4 years of his childhood abroad, and that it was in Indonesia - not Kenya, at which point Cain revised his claim.

Cain is perhaps typical of the "businessman" style of politician, who has excelled in the private sector (as former Godfather's Pizza CEO) and believes that kind of thinking can make government more efficient. You can see this in the ads "no-nonsense" delivery. But why the conspicuous 1970s action movie style cancer stick drag by campaign manager Mark Block? Why be so weird about it?

Tom Murphy of Mother Jones gives this backstory:

"As the New York Times pointed out on Sunday, there's another side to Cain: lobbyist. And as a lobbyist for the National Restaurant Association in DC in the 1990s, Cain was one of the tobacco industry's best friends on K Street. His group received big bucks from major cigarette manufacturers, and returned the favor by opposing things like smoking bans."

So I guess that explains that. But not the slow-mo smile by Cain at the end. The Daily Beast's Michelle Goldberg Tweeted, "his smile at the end of this ad is the creepiest fucking thing I've ever seen". And it really is.

Next year's election campaigns are going to be really interesting. Especially from the sidelines.