Primarily Terrible

Here's the latest from Bad Max 2: The Legend of Curly's Gold, aka the Republican Primary...

Frontrunner (whuzzat?!) Newt Gingrich was preempted by chanting Occupy Wall Street protesters at a campaign event at the University of Iowa. Smooth as always, and definitely showing his firm grip on the pulse of the nation, Gingrich shouted over them: "I appreciate the 95% of you, maybe even the 99% of you, who will actually have an intelligent discussion and are not going to be drowned out by the 1% who try to impose their will by making noise." LOL! GOOD ONE!

Former frontfunner (sad trombone) Mitt Romney, last seen attacking Gingrich on the basis of his "zaniness," has stepped up his scathing attack strategy by pointing out that Gingrich is "a wealthy man, a very wealthy man." Ooh BURN! It's true what they say: No one can identify a wealthy man, a very wealthy man, like a trust-fund kid who grew up to make millions running a private equity investment firm. You've got him on the ropes now, Moneybags!

Rick Perry is still definitely in the race! He has not dropped out yet.

Ron Paul has gotten the coveted Andrew Sullivan endorsement. It's no Gary Busey, but it's pretty good. It must have been hard for a guy who loves racism and sexism SO MUCH to limit himself to one candidate in the GOP field, so it's really a strong message to racists and sexists that Sully went with Ron Paul. Take heed, bigots!

Michele Bachmann is accusing Newt Gingrich of buying Tea Party support: She's "been hearing this all across the country, that money is changing hands. And that's not how I do business. In fact, I've told people, I've told evangelicals, I've told Tea Partiers—I don't pay people to come out and be my supporters, that's not what I do. When we have tea party groups and all of the rest, I don't do that because I'm just a real person." Oh, Newt Gingrich is a real person, too. A VERY RICH person! Who can buy Tea Party Support! Just ask Mitt Romney.

Jon Huntsman is gaining momentum in New Hampshire. Not a lot—just enough to beat Ron Paul. But enough to sustain an egomaniac's belief that he can definitely for sure totally win this thing!

Rick Santorum said something stupid and homophobic. In other news, today is Thursday.

Bonus Fun! Dynamic television personality and former GOP primary failosaur Mike Huckabee hosted an anti-abortion forum in Iowa for the candidates who bothered to show up (Gingrich, Bachmann, Santorum, and Perry, who is still definitely in the race). Each of the candidates had the opportunity to deliver "seven-minute speeches on their anti-abortion agendas" before the premiere of Huckabee's new anti-abortion documentary, The Gift of Life. That sounds like a GREAT event! SO FUN. Good job on being awesome, Republicans!

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

Today in Rick Santorum Says Something Stupid

Good nNews, everybody! Rick Santorum has his own Twitter account! It's certified too, so you don't have to worry about accidentally following a fake Santorum who says things that aren't total garbage!

Here's what the real, certified Rick Santorum had to say yesterday:

Here is 1 effect of changing definition of marriage: "@HuffingtonPost: Marriage rate drops to new low huff.to/tfhN1e" #fb

1. "#fb"?!? I see they're letting everybody on Facebook these days. Christ.

2. Not to be all professorial n' shit, but making more people eligible for marriage would tend exert upward pressure on the marriage rate. Still...

3. We did it bitchez! We reduced the pressure people feel to get married!

Oh, wait, Santorum is assuming that marriage is an inherent good, and that the over fifty percent of American adults who aren't married are awful people. I know US elections are confusing, what with the electrical college and all, but insulting half of the populace doesn't strike me as a very good strategy.

4. What mechanism is Santorum proposing, anyway? Is he suggesting that there are hoards of petulant straight people who refuse to get married now that (less than half of all) same-sex couples have access to their toy? "Fuck, I don't want to play marriage anymore. Marriage sucks. Now I want a pony that shits rainbows. What, queer people already have that too?!?"

In conclusion, America, you should totally elect Rick Santorum, because he's bad at math, hates gay people, thinks half of you are awful, and is convinced that lots of straight people are acting like petulant children.

Sure.

Your move, not-Romney.

Primarily Awful

Here's the latest from the BAD MAX: BEYOND BLUNDERDOME! aka the Republican Primary...

Frontrunner (gag reflex) Newt Gingrich has shit-canned his brand new Iowa political director after dude made disparaging remarks about Mormonism being a cult. Gingrich's Iowa game does not have the moves like Jagger, so this is yet another setback in a key primary state. Whooooooooooops!

Erstwhile frontrunner (sad clown) Mitt Romney meanwhile put on his Rootin'-Tootin' Fisticuffing Britches and called Gingrich an "extremely unreliable leader in the conservative world." Oh HELL no! You kiss your mother with that mouth, Willard?! Ha ha just kidding. That is a very weak criticism. In fact, I'm pretty sure at least 72% of conservatives consider "extremely unreliable" a desirable attribute in a president. See: 2000-2008.

In other Romney-related news, focus groups keep finding that evangelicals don't like Romney (which is definitely not because he's Mormon, ha ha, no way!), but he just won the coveted Christine O'Donnell endorsement, and she's like Queen Evangelica of the Christlands, so EVERYTHING IS SO CONFUSING! Aren't "the evangelicals" a monolithic hivemind like the media keeps telling me?! Next thing you know, women will start voting for different candidates.

In New Hampshire, Ron Paul makes a strong argument for bootstraps: "If we didn't have bailouts, dependency on government, welfare for the rich, food stamps for the poor [people would live within their means]." Fun Fact: Within some circles, Ron Paul is known as "Mr. Cool Logic."

Michele Bachmann calls her opponents "milquetoast" candidates: "I must raise every available dollar between now and January 3rd to ensure our hard-charging constitutional conservative campaign—not some milquetoast opponents like Mitt Romney, Rick Perry, and Newt Gingrich—wins over these undecided Iowa voters." I guess everything looks like milquetoast when you're a rightwing extremist.

In case you weren't aware, Rick Santorum is very religious. His "presidential ambition is rooted in his faith," and his faith is, in fact, "the key ingredient that also powers Santorum's long-shot drive for the 2012 Republican presidential nomination." That is a very nice way of saying it would take a miracle for Santorum to become the GOP nominee. Poor Rick Santorum. It's gotta hurt to be such a resoundingly terrible candidate that, even in a campaign in which every dingaling who throws hir hat in the general vicinity of the ring becomes Conservatives' New Favorite Person of the Day, even the most desperate primary electorate since the last election (McCain-Palin 4ever!) diligently endeavors to pretend you don't exist in the futile hope you will just quietly go away. Aww.

Jon Huntsman predicts he'll "catch on after silly season," because he's a serious candidate. "I don't sign those silly pledges. I don't pander. I don't light my hair on fire. There's just some things I won't do." Like, for example, be invited to the next debate, because his poll numbers are in the toilet. The toilet at the bottom of the Grand Canyon. (Great joke!)

Rick Perry is still definitely in the race! He has not dropped out yet.

Discuss.

Primarily Gross

Here's the latest from the epic parade of failosaurs competing to be THE BIGGEST DIRTBAG OF THEM ALL! aka the Republican Primary...

Frontrunner (barrrrrrrf) Newt Gingrich has been offered a million dollars by odious conservative radio host Michael Savage to drop out of the race. Ha ha Michael Savage you are being an even bigger fuckbrain than usual! Newt Gingrich farts in the general direction of your million dollars. That will barely even cover his tab at Tiffany's!

Former frontrunner (whoooooooops!) Mitt Romney wants to "turn around America and keep America American with the principals [sic] that made us the greatest nation on Earth." It's hard to believe he's not running away with this race with stirring, well-crafted, and totes not at all embarrassingly juvenile rhetoric like that!

Rick Santorum is counting on Iowa. Did you hear that, Iowa? Rick Santorum is counting on you to turn him from a national joke into a national candidate. TALL ORDERS! I hope you are up to the task.

Jon Huntsman is not running as an independent! "I'm not running as an independent. I'm not running as an independent. I don't know how many times I have to say that." A million! By the way, you're definitely not running as the Republican nominee, either.

Rick Perry is still definitely in the race! He has not dropped out yet.

Are you interested in meeting the man behind Ron Paul's awesome campaign ads from 1989? Sure you are! Who wouldn't be? No one, that's who! So thank goodness that the Washington Post has profiled this very interesting gentleman! "I wouldn’t consider myself a member of his army." "I don't get into campaign strategy." Ha ha GREAT STUFF. A real dynamo, this guy.

Michele Bachmann has strengths and weaknesses, and in the Venn diagram of those two things, "her certainty" lies in the intersection. So says the WaPo. Is it evident that I have lost all interest in Michele Bachmann? I have lost all interest in Michele Bachmann. And this primary.

Wake me when the Republicans have nominated one of these garbage nightmares, so I can repeat ad infinitum that whoever it is should never be president.

Today in Rick Santorum Says Something Stupid

In a recent interview with the Concord Monitor, Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum, currently polling at LOL%, said many stupid things, as is his signature campaign strategy. Here are the Top Three:

Part One: Your body is a car.

To control health care costs, Rick Santorum says Americans should treat their bodies more like their cars: Only the priciest procedures should go through insurance.

"You don't even turn in a little fender bender if it's only going to cost you a little bit more than your deductible," the Republican presidential candidate said last week during an interview with the Monitor's editorial board. "Why? Because you don't want your insurance to go up."

With health care expenses, "consumers should pay for the maintenance of your vehicle, you being the vehicle," Santorum said. That would mean paying out of pocket for "minor scrapes and scratches" - like a broken arm, he suggested.

"It's a serious problem, but it's not a catastrophic event," he said.

Moving right along.

Part Two: If they're so ALLEGEDLY poor, why are they so fat?

[Santorum] would address the deficit not by increasing taxes but by cutting spending, citing federal education spending, the State Department and food stamps among his primary targets.

"Is there a hunger problem if the poorest people in America are the most obese?" he said.

This brilliant rhetorical observation, in addition to highlighting Santorum's compassionate side, underlines how much attention he was paying while serving as a senator in the US Congress, whence comes the answer to his nifty question.

Part Three: Gay marriage is poopy and you're a bunch of doodyheads shut up!

Santorum said he doesn't "have any problem if people want to live their life the way they want to live it." But gay marriage affects him personally, he said, because it "changes what marriage is" and deprives children of their right to a mother and father.

..."What you're saying with same-sex marriage is, you want people, you're designing a system around a system where children are denied their birthright."

What-the-fuck face. Contemptuous head shake. Long exasperated sigh.

BONUS STUPID! On why he's not getting more media attention and thus not polling higher: "I'm not the guy with the bouffant hairdo that everybody wants to twirl around the dance floor with. I'm the guy you want to take home to Mom and Dad." Ha ha sure. Or the guy you slowly back away from because he talks such nonsensical shit that you figure there's a 50-50 chance he's an alien goblinoid masquerading as a human, and it's worth keeping an eye on him.

[H/T to @PamSpaulding.]

FYI

[Trigger warning for homophobia.]

In case you had forgotten for six seconds that Rick Santorum is a titanic garbage monster, here is a timely reminder.

Quote of the Day

"The family is the bedrock of our society; unless we protect it with the institution of marriage, our country will fall."—Professor of Epic Dipfuckery and GOP presidential candidate Rick Santorum, waxing apocalyptic about same-sex marriage again.

I continue to love (where "love" = loathe with the fiery passion of 10,000 suns) conservatives' insistence on talking about "families" and "same-sex marriage" as if those are mutually exclusive concept.

Whoooooooooooooooops you are gross and stupid and wrong.