So the Republicans Had a Debate Last Night

Yay! Another debate! It had been almost twelve seconds without a Republican Primary debate. I was beginning to go through withdrawal! (Please note that you may be in the throes of Republican Primary debate withdrawal if you experience any of the following symptoms: Joy, smiling, a creeping sense of hope for the nation's future.)

I'm sure there's a transcript somewhere, but who cares, amirite? Official Shakeville Transcript: Taxes, Reagan, illegals, Jesus, bootstraps, taxes, Obama stinks.

The most exciting thing about last night's debate was that Rick Perry, who is definitely still IN IT TO WIN IT, promised to get back in the game. He's gonna go big or go home, because he didn't come here to make friends. True Fact: Rick Perry believes he's on a reality show.

Some other highlights from (I hope you're sitting down) the last (definitely totally for sure) Republican Primary debate of 2011 (sob!):

Mitt Romney tells Newt Gingrich he's rich and zany RIGHT TO HIS FACE! Oh snap!



Newt Gingrich leads everyone in a rousing singalong of "Funkytown."



"Raise your hand if you are a paternalistic fuckbrained bigot whose name rhymes with Zanblorum."

Number of the Day

Zero: The number of shits I give that Donald Trump is now threatening to run for president as an Independent. Go for it, fartsack. I've always wanted to hear the sound of the entire country yawning at once.

Important Announcement

If I hear one more story about what evangelical Christians in Iowa think, I'm going to smash something.

I get it, I swear I do. Iowa is the first state in the nation to have a say about the presidential nominees. It's a caucus state, which AFAIK tends to skew results away from the center. Mike Huckabee won Iowa in 2008. There's a nasty rumor going around that Mitt Romney's not actually a bigot. So yeah, there are reasons why political horse race fans might care about what that segment of Iowa thinks.

But come on.

Iowa's population is somewhat below average. Even with the extra two votes every state gets just for existing, Iowa only has 6 electors (the average is 10.5, the median is 8). Iowa will get 28 delegates to the Republican national convention, out of 2288 total.

In contested races, the winner of the Iowa Republican caucuses has gone on to win the nomination three out of six times. So that's pretty impressive. I guess.

It's a forgone conclusion that the Republican nominee will be both horrible and religious even if a lot of Evangelicals think he's a heathen.

Could we talk about Florida? That's a huge swing state with an early primary. FWIW, I'll bet there are bigots there, too.

How about Ohio? It's a Super Tuesday state. It's in the rust belt. It highlights the whole 'what the fuck about the economy, assholes?' aspect of this election.

There's another reason I'm tired of hearing about pious Iowans. Yeah, out of all the Iowans who are Republicans, a reasonable fraction of those that plan on attending the caucuses are evangelical Christians. Fun, sexy times.

But while I'm no PhD in Iowology from Oral Roberts University, I have lived most of my life in the Midwest. I detect a certain strain of coastal elitism in the implication that Iowa goes with God.

I mean, only about half of Iowans are Protestant for fuck's sake. And it's not as if Iowa's solidly conservative. It's always had a typically Upper-Midwestern populist, progressive streak to it. In 1933, the governor had to call out the national guard to control rioters who were attacking banks (because, um, the banks were foreclosing on people's homes). Tom Harkin is one of Iowa's two US Senators. He's not Karl Marx, but he's not exactly Chuck Grassley, either.

I'm not arguing that Iowa's a super diverse (hint: it's pretty white) but it's hardly a wasteland of values voters narrow-minded religious bigots. And hell, my neighbor's the [TW] Third Eagle of the Apocalypse, and I live in New York.