Top Chef: Texas Open Thread

Padma and Tim Somedude get all judgemental with Heather's dish.
Top Chef continues in some non-descript state that I think is maybe Oregon. Could be any state really. Cook cook cook, shop shop shop, in-fight in-fight in-fight. A villain emerges. So does Paul. Who is Paul? How come I never noticed him before? Is he new? He seems nice, which is refreshing. Stay nice, Paul, there are enough jerks on the show!

Spoilers below. Discuss!

"Why do I want ponies? They're for girls."

[Trigger warning for bullying/child abuse and gender essentialism.]

So, the other night, Jimmy Kimmel aired a segment which compiled viewers' video responses to his latest challenge for parents to pull holiday-related trickery on their children, after his "film your kids' reaction after telling them you ate all their Halloween candy" segment went viral last month. This challenge was to wrap up some random garbage and give it to kids as an early Christmas present.

I find this entire thing really troubling, because pranks are a form of bullying even between peers, and a prank played by someone in a position of power, especially a parent pranking a child, is bullying that can fundamentally undermine trust.

So I normally wouldn't even give this any attention, except that I thought it was very interesting (where "interesting" = "fucked up") how many parents interpreted "give your kid a crap gift" as "give your son a girl's item," and what effect that had on the boys who received them. Yikes.

Post-feminist world, etc.

Jimmy Kimmel: Last week, I issued a challenge: I asked the parents of America to pull a little holiday trick on their children—we did this on Halloween with candy, and it got a lot of response to it, so we did it again, this time for Christmas—I asked parents to tell their kids they were going to let them open one present a few weeks early, but instead of a good present, I said, "Put something the kids won't like in the box," and then upload the video of that to YouTube, labeled "Hey, Jimmy Kimmel, I gave my kids a terrible present," and a lot of people did do this, and, um, they did give their kids terrible presents, and a lot of the kids, surprisingly, reacted poorly to that.

Clip of two little white boys opening presents; one unwraps a half-drunk bottle of juice and whines, "I don't like this!"

Clip of a white girl opening a present; she unwraps an old, brown banana. "What is it?" asks Mom from behind the camera. "An old banana," the girl says. "Isn't that exciting?" Mom asks. "No," replies the girl. She holds it up, sqooshes it, eats it.

Clip of two white girls who have just opened an onion and a battery. "Wow, a battery and an onion!" Dad says from behind the camera. The girl who opened the onion flops over and begins to cry. "What's wrong?" asks Dad. The other little girl says, "We don't want a onion!" Dad asks the crying girl, "Did you smell your onion? Here, smell it." She cries. "No, I smelled it!"

Clip of a white and/or Latin@ boy and girl opening presents; he unwraps a hotdog and she unwraps a carton of eggs. The little girl starts cracking an egg to see if there's anything inside.

Clip of three white children, a boy and two girls, opening presents. The little boy holds up a pink activity book. Deeply aggrieved, he complains, "I got a girl activity book with stickers!" Angry now, he adds: "I'M NOT A GIRL!" His sister, who got some "boy" gift, says, "And I'm not a boy!" Their sister adds: "I'm not a boy, either!" The boy begins to cry: "This is the worst present ever."

Clip of a white girl and a white boy; the girl has just unwrapped a half-eaten sandwich. She has an exchange with Mom, behind the camera, about how she likes Mom's cooking, so Mom thought she'd like the sandwich. The little girl replies she meant when Mom cooks things like "Hot Pockets." The boy offers to eat the sandwich.

Clip of a little boy of color opening a Hello Kitty sweater. "You stinking parents!" he shouts, throwing it down. He charges Dad behind the camera. "Take it back!" he shouts. "I want a refund." Later in the video, he is seen tantruming, extremely upset, about having received a girls' sweater.

Clip of a white boy unwrapping a half-eaten sandwich. "It's a half-eaten sandwich!" exclaims Mom from behind the camera. "Isn't that what you asked for?!" The little boy replies, "No, I asked for toys!" and throws the sandwich across the room.

Clip of three black children, a girl and two boys, opening presents. From behind the camera, Mom says, "What did you get, Jason? Some black beans, cheese, and a Waffle House hat!" To the little girl, she says, "What's in there?" The little girl pulls out a potato. "Oh, you got a Mister Potato Head!" exclaims Mom. The other son cries and accuses Mom of giving them the terrible gifts.

Clip of four white children, a girl and three boys, opening presents. One boy opens a hammer. Another exclaims, "I got ponies?!" Then, later: "I got ponies. Why do I want ponies? They're for girls." The girl adds, "And I got a stupid book." Mom says, "We thought really hard about what to get you this year." The boy who opened the hammer retorts, "Well, you didn't do a very good job!" The boy who got the ponies complains, "This is the worst Christmas I ever had."

Clip of three children of color, a girl and two boys, opening presents, which are of course terrible. Mom explains, "Well, Jimmy Kimmel told me to do it." Yells one of the boys from the other side of the room, "Well, tell him to suck my balls!"

The audience laughs and cheers. Jimmy Kimmel says: "Noted."

[Via.]

I Write Letters

Dear Western Pop Culture and Everyone Who Pays Attention to It:

The Kardashian Sisters are human beings. I just thought we all needed that reminder, since it seems like many of us are incapable of speaking about them without using the most hateful, objectifying, exploitative, and straight-up eliminationist rhetoric.

While I have everyone's attention, I'd also like to specifically address famous men, like Daniel Craig or Jonah Hill, for whom publicly trashing the Kardashians has become a great new pastime: The constant whinging about how the Kardashians aren't famous for "doing anything," because what they do—put themselves out there as entertainers—doesn't meet your threshold for the sort of entertainment that deserves fame, is really ugly.

You don't have to like what they do, and you don't even have to like them. But there's a market for reality programming, and it's a niche they're willing to fill. I sure as shit wouldn't be willing to live my life, or some partially-scripted and highly-edited version of my life, on camera, for the entertainment of others—not for all the money in the world. I wouldn't be interesting enough, anyway, even if I did.

That's not incidental. People want to watch the Kardashians. Whether it's to love them or to hate them, people want to watch them. I don't know if they've got talent, but they've evidently got charisma.

I get that there may be some haunting Video Killed the Radio Star anxiety about the increasing popularity of "unscripted" television, when your multimillion-dollar paychecks are dependent upon the popularity of mega-produced mega-polished mega-productions. But, listen, if there's really not enough room in this media-saturated world for the Kardashians and James Bond, that's not really their fault. Fame is fickle because it's based on the whims of the consumer.

(And the television executive. And the tabloid editor.)

Now back to the general audience for one last thing: In many (most) of these multitudinous attacks on the Kardashians, I have detected a little (a lot) of the sneering hostility that tends to get reserved for women who have the temerity to take up space in the world. Which is really gross, and really pathetic in the year 2011. And don't even get me started on the transmisogynist "humor" used against them, or the heinous ubiquity of "jokes" intending to demean them sheerly on the basis of observing some of their partners are/have been Black men.

Maybe we can all just lay off the Kardashians already. By which I mean: Save our criticisms for things that deserve criticism (like, say, the casual use of transphobic slurs), and stop talking a stream of nonstop rubbish auditing their "right" to be famous.

I'll end with his note of irony: Despite my well-known reputation for consuming all manner of garbage television, I have never seen an episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians, or any of the spin-offs. The primary reason I even know who the Kardashians are is because of all the people who can't shut up about how horrible it is that they're famous. Whoooooops!

Love,
Liss

Get With It TLC—This Will Be My Favorite Show!

TLC, the garbage factory formerly known as The Learning Channel, is reportedly not interested in a new reality show being pitched by Sarah Palin and Mark Burnett, who produced Sarah Palin's Alaska that aired on TLC and was obviously television gold.

How is it possible that the channel which will exploit any human being for a tuppence is even contemplating not putting this magic on the air, like, yesterday?

The Hollywood Reporter has learned that Palin and Burnett are pitching another reality series, this one more focused on Palin's husband Todd and his career as a championship snowmobile racer. But for now, TLC owner Discovery Communications has passed, say sources. And A&E Networks, which entered into a bidding war with Discovery for Sarah Palin's Alaska, also is not interested.

So far, networks have balked at the steep asking price – Palin's Alaska went for north of $1 million an episode and sources say Burnett and Palin are asking for a similar payday for the follow-up. Mark Burnett Productions did not immediately respond to a request for comment.

Only one million per episode for the adventures of Todd Palin and his snow machine?! COUGH UP, TLC! That is a bargain!

[Note: This would not be my favorite show.]

The Dexter Thread

I am really missing our Walking Thread (more than the show? maybe), so I thought we'd do a Dexter thread this week, as I know many of the Shakers who watch The Walking Dead also watch Dexter.

Oy, this show. The only reason I still watch it is pictured above. Oh, Jennifer Carpenter, how I wish you had your own show. A different show. That was good.

[Spoiler Alerts from this season below.]

So, Dexter has always been problematic, and I'm not even going to go into all the reasons why a social justice-minded person might object to it (or even why a social justice-minded person might like it), because I'm too busy being annoyed by how STUPID it's gotten.

And it's just been renewed for two more seasons! Noooooooooooooooooo! I need closure! I need the endgame to begin already! This show is starting to feel like homework every week! Just get me to the finale! PLEASE!

All right, so I have issues, and I'm going to keep watching this damn show through every last one hundred million serial killers in the Miami Metro area until Dexter is caught or killed or redeemed. NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU SAY "DARK PASSENGER" YOU WILL NOT DRIVE ME AWAY! But in the interim, I hope I've got some people to lovehate this show with.

Can we start with LaGuerta? They should have named her Rorshach, since she is a totally different person depending on which writer is looking at her. Welp, this week, we need her to be a conniving harpy! Welp, this week we need her to be a feminist mentor! Welp, this week we need her to be ethical! No, unethical! A sexpot! No, a frigid bitch! Listen, I long for complex female characters, but LaGuerta isn't complex: She's a hot mess of wildly inconsistent character development. Lauren Vélez deserves better!

Is Anderson, the transfer from Chicago, ever going to be given anything to do? When he first showed up, I figured he'd be Deb's new love interest, but evidently his only purpose this season was to introduce the word "tableau."

And what is going on with Quinn? Specifically Quinn's mood hair. Uh-oh, Quinn's hair is messy; he must be on a bender. Phew, Quinn's hair is neat; looks like he'll competently do his job today. Oy, this show!

I also feel the need to express my amazement at the never-ending parade of nannies Dexter can find who will work 24/7 and have no lives upon which his ridiculously erratic schedule ever impinges. LUCKY!

Other random grievances: Both forensics interns are psychos? Whut. Whatever happened to the thread about Harry having fucked informants, suggesting that Deb and Dex are half-siblings? That whole thing just went away. Is Deb's grody fantasy an attempt to reintroduce it? Oy, this show. Tom Hanks' weird little cousin is no John Lithgow, or maybe he is, but I can't stop thinking about how much he looks like Woody. Uncanny! Actually, that's not a grievance. I like him!

There's more, but I don't want to steal all the complaining. Have at it!

Top Chef: Texas Open Thread

Dakota and Sarah do some cheffy type shit.
Last night was the big steak cook-off. At the Cattle Baron's Ball. Of course! What other Texian awesome (i.e ridiculous) stuff will we be privy to this season? Tumbleweed Soufflé? Ten Gallon Hat Nachos? Spurs Con Carne? Remember the Alamo Aioli?

Stop the Texas, I want to get off! Spoilers below.

It's Like They Took My Life and Put It On Television

[Trigger warning for misogyny, LGB-phobia, and transphobia]

Remember Bosom Buddies? It was this awesome show about two dudes who dressed up as chicks so that they could live in this cheap building for ladies. The show's title was pretty funny too, in that bosom is another word for tit.

Anyhow, Sara Rue and the CW have a great idea for a new show. Basically, it's just ripping off Bosom Buddies, only with a twist! Two (totes real, cissexual) ladies will pretend to be lesbians so that they can live together in New York City, because that's totally how things work in The City. Plus, the ladies will so get the perks of being domestic partners in a state that allows gay marriage.

I can't wait for the awkward second episode when one of the ladies has to explain to a really hot guy that even though she's a lady who (pretends she) likes other ladies, she (also) likes dudes! That's so strange! How do the writers presumably come up with this stuff?

Don't worry though, the entire purpose of the show is to empower real lesbians, in that it will show their plight or some such bullshit.

(Also, "faux-lesbian" is the greatest term ever. From now on, I'm referring to myself as "nouveau-lesbian." I love French shit.)

Speaking of bosoms, ABC's got a great new show coming up. It's about two dudes who pretend to be chicks so they can get a job, because that's totally how things work in the world.

I can't wait for the awkward second episode when one of the "ladies" has to explain to a really hot chick that he's a (pretend) lady who likes other ladies! That's so strange! How do the writers presumably come up with this stuff?

Don't worry though, the entire purpose of the show is to empower real ladies, in that it will show their plight or some such bullshit (e.g., when you are a lady, you can get a job easily!). Some people might claim the show is transphobic, but since these guys are dudes pretending to be ladies, it's clearly not about trans* people, in that trans* people want The Surgery or some such nonsense.

Now I've you'll excuse me, I'm off to buy a TiVo. They still make TiVo, right?

Melissa McCarthy Deserves Better

Because I love Melissa McCarthy, I have tried watching Mike & Molly, despite knowing it would be dismal. And it is. It's ostensibly a show about fat acceptance, which hates its fat characters. And yes, subjecting them to all manner of ridicule and abuse, to make the point that fat hatred exists, which its targets and purveyors already know, is hatred of its fat characters.

Spudsy and I were talking about this trainwreck this morning, and, observing that the other female characters (particularly Molly's mother and sister) are horrible, conniving, nasty people, classic sit-com bitches, Spudsy noted that it's like the show's writers don't imagine that a fat female character could be likeable unless she's surrounded by sinister harpies.

There are a lot of problems with the show, and yet its worst offense, IMO, is that which I noted after seeing the previews: This show acts as though Roseanne never existed. It so self-evidently pats itself on the back for being some kind of transgressive, progressive contribution to the television canon, but there existed a show 20 years ago with two fat leads who loved and fucked and lived their lives—and they didn't have to suffer the indignity of the constant juvenile moralizing that lies within every implicit reminder that "fat people are human, too!"

It's a step backwards. Melissa McCarthy deserves better. And so do we.

Top Chef: Texas Open Thread

Top Chef: Texas continues to exploit tired and boring Texican clichés: Last night there was a cookout at a campground. I guess. It looked like some benches abandoned in a random field to me. Wevs.

At this point, there are still a bunch a chefs I don't know. As usual, only the assholes seem to stand out. I haven't anyone to root for yet. There is also some Last Chance Kitchen thing that happens on Bravo's website to allow eliminated chefs back on the show. Theoretically, Top Chef: Texas could just go on forever this way. I hope everyone likes the Chris twins, because this season might never end! Oof. Discuss.

Spoilers below.

Post-Feminist Entertainment

[Trigger warning for misogyny.]

I've been really excited to see the previews for this awesome new show, coming next week to Fox:

Male Voiceover: Just because you have a teenage daughter doesn't mean you're not all that.

Blond White Woman working behind counter at cafe, to Conventionally Attractive White Man: I am definitely a cool parent. I'm always online, networking socially. [canned laughter]

Auburn-Haired White Female Friend, leaning against counter: I'm a cool mom, too. LOL. Whatevs. Justin Bieber. [canned laughter]

Male Voiceover: I Hate My Teenage Daughter. Wednesday, November 30th, on Fox!

HA HA! Perfect. Definitely what this post-feminist world needs is some post-feminist programming with edgy narratives about how women are jealous bitches who resent their own daughters as they age disgracefully and mourn their lost youth. WELL DONE, FOX.

And what a title! Goooooooooooood one. In this post-feminist world, where there is definitely no concern about the emotional health of teenage girls and bullying is not a problem and misogyny is FOR SURE a thing of the past, where no one uses "girl" or "schoolgirl" as an insult, where no one accuses anyone of throwing like a girl or crying like a schoolgirl, and companies would never do something like conflate a teenage girl with mayhem, where teenage girls are all totally secure in their worth as full and equal beings and their humanity is never diminished by objectification or exploitation or marginalization or myriad narratives that daily communicate you are less than, in this amazing new world where feminism has been rendered moot, this is obviously a perfect show that is super funny.

Thank Maude we live in this remarkable new frontier of undiluted equality, because can you even imagine the horror of being a teenage girl in a misogynist world and having to hear I Hate My Teenage Daughter played for laughs week after week after week...? Shiver. I don't even want to contemplate it.

Fuck you, Fox.

Top Chef: Texas Open Thread

Who is watching this disaster? Oof. Seriously, I warned everyone that this season would be chock full of Texas clichés and I wasn't wrong. First challenge of the competition was to cook rattlesnake. Of course. Yawn! Also, how much do I love that we don't even get to our first challenge until episode three? Hint: I don't love it one bit. Those first two weeks? Yeah, a complete waste of everyone's time. Don't do that again, thanks.

Spoilers below.

Top Chef: Just Desserts Open Thread

I finally ordered cable. Neat, huh? But guess what! The cable descrambler (do they still call them that?) they sent me was defective and I was unable to watch last night's finale of Pink Donuts. Whut? Finale?! I thought there were still like 17 contestants to blow through before we got to the end of this trainwreck. Wevs. So, I missed the whole season. Anyway, since Craig left I couldn't be arsed to care. RIP Craig! Your goofy smile and naïveté will be missed. Sad face.

Last night's finale will be discussed in detail, including the not-very-surprising winner, so if you haven't seen it, and still care, pack your coax splitters and go...