Film Corner!

Below, the trailer for Jack the Giant Killer, which is not a movie about a dude named Jack of enormous proportions who kills people, but a dude named Jack who kills giants. Or a giant. Many giants? At least one giant.

Here is the movie's synopsis, which should help with this whole conundrum: "Jack the Giant Killer tells the story of an ancient war that is reignited when a young farmhand unwittingly opens a gateway between our world and a fearsome race of giants. Unleashed on the Earth for the first time in centuries, the giants strive to reclaim the land they once lost, forcing the young man, Jack, into the battle of his life to stop them. Fighting for a kingdom, its people, and the love of a brave princess, he comes face to face with the unstoppable warriors he thought only existed in legend—and gets the chance to become a legend himself."

Hmm, that didn't really help at all, in terms of determining how many giants are actually murdered at the hand of this young farmboy. ("As you wish!") Well, whatever. What's important is that we definitely know this is based on a classic Western hemisphere fable (that was probably ripped off from some classic Eastern hemisphere fable), which means that it stars lots and lots of white men, which is the important thing, obviously.


Nicholas Hoult, who is definitely 22 now, I checked Wikipedia and everything, has turned into a very attractive man after being a very awkward little dude in About a Boy. In his short career, he has been in a lot of movies I like and/or like a lot—About a Boy, A Single Man, Clash of the Titans, X-Men: First Class—and I will probably like this movie, too, even though I'm totally going to make fun of this trailer.

Anyway! Nicholas Hoult is handsome and he is a farmhand named Jack. There is Ominous Music. He is given a handful of beans, which are, according to an urgently whispering fellow with monk-hair, "holy relics from a very special place far, far away." Ha ha sure they are. "They are born of dark magic." Holy AND magical, you say? Why, these ARE special beans. "They have the power to change the world as we know it." By revealing that god is a wizard? "Don't lose them." KEEP THEM SECRET! KEEP THEM SAFE! THEY ARE THE ONE BEANS! "Whatever you do, don't get them wet." Uh-oh! I already put them in the toilet!

Ominous Music gets ominouser. There's a rainstorm. A princess with boobs walks down a castle hall. Them beans is getting wet, yo. A cat meows. Someone says in voiceover, "Once darkness gets a taste for light, it will not stop." Stop what? Eating light? Do these giants eat lightbulbs? Is this an allegory about energy conservation? Hmm, maybe not, since a giant and evil green plant (I bet it's a beanstalk!) just crashed through the floor of Jack's garbage hovel. Maybe this is an allegory about how stupid nature is. It's like Al Gore and Ayn Rand are having a capoeira fight on top of a moving train in my head.

The king wants to know where the princess is, Jack. Jack looks up the beanstalk. I guess she's up there? What was the princess doing in his shitshack? Never mind that. SOMETHING GIANT IS COMING! What is it?! Oh, it's a giant. And the giant has grabbed the princess. Horses. Run! Unsheathe your swords and get ready to fight! Flaming trees over the castle wall. Damn, you really don't want to fight giants. This is why we told you not to get those magui beans wet, son!

Rain. Running. Grabby giant! Swarthy giant eyeball. Yiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiikes.

Jack the Giant Killer, coming to a theater near you in June 2012, just about the time we'll be looking for anything to lift our spirits and distract our minds from contemplating the possibility that Newt Gingrich could be our next president.

Friday Blogaround

This blogaround brought to you by thistles.

Recommended Reading:

Pam: [TW for homophobia] Romney Proposes Bullshit Three-Tier Marriage System

The Rejectionist: [TW for rape; abuse; misogyny] Eleven Thoughts about Lisbeth Salander

Resistance: [TW for racism; victim-blaming] In Need of a History Lesson

Arturo: [TW for racism] #MARKSWATCH: The Response and The Meme

Brian: [TW for fat hatred] There is a reason my picture is at the top of the page.

Andy: 'Someday' We'll Know if Tom Vilsack Supports Marriage Equality for All (I get the feeling there are a lot of cabinet members trying not to get a step ahead of the boss these days. Sigh.)

Stephanie: 2012 Golden Globe Nominations (With linked feminist reviews, where possible.)

Leave your links and recommendations in comments...

Paranoël Activity

I'm pretty damn pleased with our agency Christmas card this year. Written and Directed by Acart Copywriter/Videographer Christopher Redmond, it takes a different perspective on that supernatural old guy who breaks into your house once a year while you and your children are asleep:



Thanks to DOP Karl Roeder for helping out.

And some of you may recognize the scary little boy. He has certainly kept me up on many a night.

Whoooooooops Your Kyriarchal Assumptions

Actress Gabourey Sidibe arrives for the premiere of the film "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close" in New York, December 15, 2011. [Reuters Pictures]

Earlier today, I saw this picture of Gabby Sidibe on the red carpet last night, looking gorgeous as always, and I was reminded of a popular media meme about Sidibe when she was nominated for an Oscar for her breakthrough performance in Precious. It was said in a lot of different ways, by a lot of different reviewers, reporters, and assorted film industry experts, some of whom were more circumspect and some of whom were more blunt, but the gist was always that Sidibe would not—could not—have a sustainable career, because she is fat, because she is a fat woman, because she is a fat woman of color, because she is a fat woman of color with very dark skin, because she is a fat woman of color with very dark skin who played a survivor of sexual violence in her career-launching role.

Since then, Sidibe has starred in Victoria Mahoney's Yelling to the Sky, had a major supporting role in a cable series (Showtime's The Big C), done voice work on two different animated series, played a key supporting role in the recently-released Brett Ratner film Tower Heist, and is currently filming Martin McDonagh's Seven Psychopaths, which has an A-list cast.

Not too shabby. I imagine there are a lot of actors who would be thrilled to have such a non-career.

I would say that I'm looking forward to reading all the follow-up pieces in which the Very Important Knowledgeable Prognosticators of the Entertainment Industry admit that perhaps they were a little quick to judge, to mistake the prejudiced habits of the film industry with some immutable truth about its nature. I would say that except ha ha I'm not stupid and it will never happen.

I hope Gabby Sidibe keeps getting opportunities, and that her career is exactly as long as she wants it to be.

Daily Dose of Cute

[Please note that Dudley and Zelda bare their teeth at each other in this video. They're just playing, but if seeing dogs bare their teeth is triggering or otherwise problematic for you, you should skip this video.]


Dudley and Zelda lie on the floor facing each other, their paws crossed, squeaking a plush snake toy between them. They stop and look at me. "Get it," I tell them. "Get it, puppies!" They sniff at it, sniff each other, look back at me. "Where's the snake? Where is it?" I ask. They look at me. "Where's the snake?" They look at me. "Dudley, get it. Get it!" I whisper. "Zelly Belly, get that snake!" I reach down for it. "What is this?" I hold it up and they take it back for more squeaking. Zelly throws me a quick "Thanks, Two-Legs!" look. Squeak squeak squeak.

Suddenly Zelda hops backwards and sits up with her back against the settee. (This is her cue for: "It's time for the Bitey Game!") "Oh my goodness!" I exclaim to Dudley. "What was that?!" He looks at me. "Oh my goodness!" He squeaks the snake while Zelly waits patiently, then finally catches on. He stands up and sniffs the camera, then goes and offers his neck to Zelda. They snort and huff and play-bite each other. Zelda bats him with her paw. He play-bites her leg. She punches him. "You tell him, Zelly," I tell her. "You tell him."

Dudley sits down beside her, then lowers himself so now Zelly is the taller one. More biteyness. Zelly punches him with both front paws, then falls over. I laugh. Bitey bitey bitey. Iain makes a noise in the loft; the dogs stop and look up, a pair of ridiculous cuteness. Fin.

F'd Ad Fridays: Stalking the friendly skies with KLM

Image via Skyscanner

Last winter, Skyscanner reported on the popularity of “flyrting” — flirting with strangers onboard commercial flights — with a survey saying that 45% of respondents admitted to doing it.

Now, according to AdFreak, KLM is planning to launch a socially-enabled booking service service that will let solo travellers choose their seat mate by creeping that person in advance on Twitter or Facebook.

What could possibly go wrong?

F'd Ad Fridays: Effing Student Work

Redditor Jo3 posted some of his student work:

My advice to you, Jo3: There's enough commoditization of women's sexuality out there already, and it doesn't help to compare their vaginas to hot pockets. You are a clever creative with bold ideas. You can do much better than this.